he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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