I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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