She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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