how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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