I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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