i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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