i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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