Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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