Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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