happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
