As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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