I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
