Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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