The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize