Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
