I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
