he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
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found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
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I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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