No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We have so much sex to catch up on
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
