yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
