Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
