Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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