If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
