If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
