Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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