i just had sex bonerless
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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