I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
