Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My balls are so social today.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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