Plan B is the new Plan A
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
