is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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