On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
