gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My ass is underappreciated
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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