you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
