i just wanna soil my oats bro
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
