I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
