Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i will never coherently bang her
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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