You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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