3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
