Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
