ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
