for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
