I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
