he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
