He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
