my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
