we have pet lesbian snakes
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
