there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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