his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
