I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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