i used baking grease as lip gloss
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
