Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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