Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
