My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so let's talk penis.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize