i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
