conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
