Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
