Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
