You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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