it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my being single is dangerous.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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