why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
