no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Randomize
