He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
