I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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